Putting aside last weekend’s weird snowstorm, the warmer weather is coming to our part of the country. So with the higher temperatures and longer sunny days come changes in how we dress. However, there are issues I have regarding the way men and women change their apparel come the spring and summer. To put it bluntly, I have my own set rules. Without rules there is chaos so here are my directives for the warm months ahead.
Don’t Paint It Black-
My first rule is actually a year round guideline for women. Ladies, it is time to ditch the black polish for your fingernail and toenails for good. That color used to be a thing exclusively for those into the Goth look. However now everywhere I go and even on TV I see the fairer sex proudly sporting the black colored nails. In my world the only people allowed to sport black nail polish are Lily Munster, Morticia Addams, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson. For everyone else I can accept any other color on the palette spectrum, just not black. Those black nails have a lazy and dirty look to them. It’s just not right. And if anyone woman needs more convincing to lose the black paint, do you know who else has black nails? Dogs, bears and squirrels. Nuff said.
Put some socks on it-
Here’s a warm weather rule for the men. Wearing loafers or dress shoes without socks is the absolute height of douche-baggery! (Save for so called ‘Man-buns) All you’re doing is telling the world, “I have 160 dollars to blow on shoes that I can mess up with my hot smelly bare feet.” Keep in mind women are exempt from this directive because they always walk around sockless in their many pairs of shoes; so they’re grandfathered or grandmothered in.
Put a Cap on it–
Another message for my fellow men; The day you turn 25 is also the day you have to stop wearing your baseball cap backwards. You’re no longer some teen little leaguer, paperboy or college fraternity brother. You’re a real adult so keep your baseball cap perched on your coconut the proper way, with the bill of the cap in the front. Sometimes I see guys with the backward caps and their sunglasses perched on top of their head as they squint into the sun! Wake up men and wear your cap the correct way. Women are exempt from this cap rule because they look cute no matter how they wear their hats.
Stylish but Clueless Wannabes–
Often online or in magazines I see photos of famous men and women wearing vintage rock T-shirts of bands and singers who were at their peak of popularity years before these stars were born. Even locally I’ll see some twenty something man or woman walking around in a 1970’s era Aerosmith or Eagles T-shirt. It makes me wonder, what the hell do they know about bands who were happening decades before they were born? I’m betting they’re wearing that Doors or Led Zeppelin T-shirt because they know it’s the hip and trendy thing to so. My rule is if you want to buy a vintage rock t-shirt, you must first be able to name at least 5 songs from that group or artist’s music catalog. And if someone on the street asks you to name those songs and you can’t? Then that shirt gets pulled from your torso and is given to someone more deserving of such vintage wear.
In the news-
With the warmer weather here I’m seeing female TV news anchors (local and national) breaking out their sleeveless tops and dresses. Call me an ‘Old School’ fool but the summery tops these news readers wear just don’t look professional. The men on camera are always wearing suits and ties or at least shirts and ties. However, the ladies are allowed to deliver the latest headlines dressed like they’re at the beach or sipping cocktails at a trendy rooftop bar in Manhattan. To be clear, I’m not saying these women should be covered up in ugly polyester blazers with a network logo patch sewn on it. Still if I were a TV news boss I would ban the spaghetti strap and sleeveless tops and dresses for on camera news delivery. We get it girls, you’ve been toning up your guns and shoulders with Sven, your personal trainer at L.A. fitness. Nevertheless, save showing off those toned limbs for your weekend pool parties and summer barbecues. And as much as I enjoy her work on CNN, Brooke Baldwin, this means you too!
Cover Up Your Buttercup-
Because they dress appropriately this final rule doesn’t apply to the fine women who frequent my local pool (East End) in Elmhurst. However it does apply to ladies at city beaches and ESPECIALLY celebrities. Please lose the barely there butt floss bikini bottoms. I’m no prude yet it’s still more enticing to conceal than reveal. Ninety-nine percent of the world does not want to see ninety-nine percent of your ass. First off, the ‘Sun’s out buns out’ thongs look super uncomfortable. Second, once you’ve seen one set of cheeks you’re pretty much seen em all. And third, sporting those thongs is a sign of desperation. You’re trying too hard, so for the love of my rules, please do a better job of covering up the fleshy guard rails to your turd cutters.
If everyone understood and followed these simple rules, we could all enjoy the warm weather months without me gritting my teeth, shaking my head and mumbling complaints under my breath. Ithankyouforyourtime.
NEXT WEEK- CELEBRATING SECRETARIES.