Month: August 2024

Recently, I saw a funny fake headline on The Onion (aren’t ALL their headlines fake?) that read “Vomit Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date.”  I posted it on Facebook then remembered a first date I had years ago that involved intestinal distress. The name of the woman in question has been changed to protect the innocent and me from lawsuits.  Though I guarantee you, all of what you’re about to read is 100% true.

I was thirty-two and Laura was twenty- nine. She was the office manager at a clinic that I went to for weekly meetings. Laura and I always had a very friendly and flirty rapport and when she resigned to take a new job, she gave me her home phone number.  A little slow to act, I called Laura a few months later inviting her to a movie screening of “The Crying Game” that my radio station Q-101 was presenting at The Vic Theater. Laura lived in a Lakeview high rise apartment and I picked her up there on a Friday night.  I’d already seen the movie once and she ended up liking the film too. There was also the extra color of cocktails served to us by drag queens hired for the event. (If you’ve seen “The Crying Game” you’ll understand the drag queens bit)   After the movie, we then had a delicious late dinner at Ann Sather’s which is just around the corner from The Vic.

So, now it was time to take Laura home and to put things bluntly, “It was on!”  We were set for you know what as I drove my car towards her place.  A few blocks from her apartment, I had a sudden attack of gastrointestinal problems. It came out of nowhere but I really had to use a bathroom ASAP.  I didn’t share my pooping issue with Laura.  Instead, I covered this up with some quick talk. “Hey, this was fun and maybe we can do it again sometime.”  Laura looked both puzzled and shocked. This ‘probable sure thing’ was abruptly canceled.  I dropped Laura off at her building’s front door, gave her a quick kiss and scrammed.  A few minutes later I found a gas station where I could relieve myself.

THE INTESTINAL ATTACK I HAD WAS SIMILAR TO WHAT JEFF DANIELS EXPERIENCED IN ‘DUMB & DUMBER.’

Now you’re probably thinking, “Why didn’t you just use Laura’s bathroom in her apartment, Mick?”  First off, I was sure that too much movement on my part would cause a sudden and messy movement.  Second, not to be gross but the bio-hazard I dropped into that gas station crapper would’ve probably cleared Laura’s entire building.  A nuclear mess for sure!

Needless to say, I was super embarrassed to bail out like this. Laura was one of the most attractive women I ever went out with and she had a great personality too. We definitely had good chemistry.  I think it was all those attributes that prevented me from asking her out again.  It was just too heavy a belly-drop to face up to.  To put it another way, if you’ve seen the movie “Deliverance,” do you think Ned Beatty’s character ever went on another canoe trip?

I CAN UNDERSTAND LARRY DAVID’S LEAVING A PARTY EARLY TO DROP A DEUCE.

A few years later, I saw a woman resembling Laura in a parking lot in my town.  I still had her phone number and left a message, asking if that really was her. It was.   Turns out, Laura moved to Elmhurst and for several years lived in a house that was less than a two-minute drive from my house! 

We never saw each other again but did connect online a time or two. Laura is now married and lives out of state.  This was one of those ‘what could have been’ situations that just never was.  Damn!  But at least when we went out, I wasn’t covered in vomit and I didn’t shit my pants.

Next Blog-Reflections from the pool.

My six-week summer break is over and I’m back in the classroom for another school year.  Not having a set schedule is a great pleasure to enjoy.

 Spending my days at East End Pool head up the list of my fun summer.  I sometimes swam both in the early morning then joined my ‘Summer Family’ for mid-day time in the water.  Our talks on local goings on, vacation trips, sports, movies & TV shows to check out and places to eat were a daily staple.  Thanks to my careful use of sun screen I avoided all sunburns and got my best tan yet.

A recent selfie that showed off my summer tan.

My biggest accomplishment was completing the very FINAL edit of my media memoir “Raised on the Radio.”  I’ve said this before but this really is it. I borrow a quote from Bruce Springsteen when talking about the tinkering done on his “Nebraska” album; “If this gets any better, it’s gonna be worse.”  I’ve also been doing my due diligence in learning the tactics for self-publishing to Amazon. It will be an e-book and paperback and I hope to have it out next spring.

This is not what the cover of my book will look like but it’s a nice start.

Movie wise, I only saw “Trap”, M.  Night Shymalan’s latest mystery film and it fell flat for me.  I wasn’t up for seeing “Twisters” or the latest “Deadpool” offering. This was a fairly weak summer for movies.  HBO brought my more entertainment with the four-part documentary on Pete Rose and the Faye Dunaway feature titled “Faye.” 

I did not see any concerts but fell into the music of the Castellows, an all-girl trio who are all about REAL country songs.  Forget all this rap infused crap that permeates today’s country radio.  I also regained a love for all of Vince Gill’s music, especially his mid-90’s track “High Lonesome Sound.”

Minor home maintenance repairs were done and I got a new bed. My old rest spot was almost 20 years old and the mattress was as worn and thin as a matzo.  I’m sleeping much better every night.  I made it through the summer heat with a sputtering and aged central AC unit. Before next summer, I WILL be getting a new unit installed.

So, that’s my summer break wrapped up.  A good one that makes me look  forward to the NEXT summer vacation.

NEXT BLOG- Recalling a worst first date ever.