Warning: This blog should not be read if you’re currently eating or just finished a meal.
You may know from my past writings, as a teen I used to work at a White Castle Restaurant. My memoir “Raised on the Radio” will share a few of the tales from my time as a slider server, but I digress. Right now, I have to own up to a plain fact: I need to give up eating White Castle burgers.
Since age 16, I can’t count how many White Castle burgers I’ve eaten in the ensuing 46 plus years. Way too many, along with fries or their tasty onion rings and washed em all down with a Diet Coke. I can’t drink regular Coca Cola because the sugar and the carbonation gives me a bad stomach ache after just a sip or two.
WHITE CASTLE DRIVE THRUS HAVE BEEN A FREQUENT STOP FOR ME OVER THE YEARS. BUT NOT ANYMORE.
It turns out the Castle’s burgers are also wreaking havoc on my stomach. Oh, we’ve all heard the jokes about how sliders run through our bodies or give us gas three or four hours after ingesting them, but for me it’s became worse. For years the miniature meat, cheese and onion packed burgers never bothered my internal system. That immunity to bad effects has ended.
I noticed the change in my gastrointestinal reactions to downing 3 or 4 double cheeseburgers a couple months ago. At first, I thought it was just a once or twice off deal. Turns out it’s not. Without getting too graphic, the morning after having a few Castle burgers is not pleasant. Quick sprints to the bathroom are needed and I don’t feel better until every last bite of slider has been flushed through my small and large intestines and into the toilet.
SADLY, WHITE CASTLE BURGERS HAVE BEGUN TO WREAK HAVOC ON MY STOMACH AND IN TURN MY HOME’S PLUMBING SYSTEM.
An old friend of mine says when he stinks up one of his bathrooms with whatever comes out of his backside, he shuts the door afterwards and tells his family, “This ride is closed!” I live alone but yes, after a bout with post-slider eating reactions, my ride is closed too.
Of course, White Castle burgers often taste best as a post-drinking or partying meal at three in the morning. How many of us have been through that experience a few dozen times in our lifetime? The good news being I haven’t howled at the moon with loads of beer or other substances in many, many years; so there’s really no need for the late night Castle run and even in the light of day, for me, my slider swallowing is done.
HAROLD AND KUMAR CAN MUNCH AWAY ON WHITE CASTLE EATS, BUT MY DAYS OF DOING THE SAME ARE OVER.
Will I miss those greasy low grade meat meals? Maybe, but since I am way overdue in plans to eat healthier, I’ll just consider my slider embargo just part of that plan to put better things in my system.
So long White Castle, you were fun while I had your bill of fare, but it’s time to walk away.
NEXT BLOG: When I know, you’ll know.