You Might Be A Lousy Father If…

NOBODY WOULD EVER VOTE FOR HOMER SIMPSON AS A RAD DAD, BUT HE MEANS WELL.

Father’s Day is this Sunday.  Like many of you I was blessed to have a great dad who I miss very much. He passed in August of 1993.  However, there might be a few pops out there who fall short of being a good parent.  With that, I bring you my checklist on what constitutes a dad who needs better judgement in being a role model and mentor for their kids.

You MIGHT be a lousy father if:

You and a pom pom girl from your kid’s high school are sexting each other.

Your 5 year old has real tattoos.

On ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day’ your little one has to act as a corner look-out.

You’ve ever been tased at a T-ball game.

At your daughter’s high school “Career Night” you complain there are no reps from the local strip club.

HIGH SCHOOL CHEMISTRY TEACHER TURNED METH MAKER WALTER WHITE TOOK EXTREME MEASURES TO PROVIDE MONEY FOR HIS FAMILY.

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FATHER IF:

Both you and your teenager wear home monitoring ankle bracelets. 

When taking the kids to the local pool you wear a banana hammock.

You hold cock fights in your toddler’s play-house.

When playing Pee Wee football your son fails a steroid test.

CASTING EVIL ACROSS THE GALAXIES AND CHOPPING OFF HIS OWN SON’S HAND IN A LIGHT SABRE FIGHT DOESN’T EARN DARTH VADER ANY GOOD DADDY POINTS.

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FATHER IF:

You sleep with your son’s girlfriend before he does.

You sneak a six pack into the school Christmas pageant.

You pay for your son’s first ever lap dance.  And you’re REALLY a lousy father if the dancer is your daughter.

Your kid’s Science Fair project is a pot growing operation.

KEVIN SPACEY’S ALLEGED REAL LIFE SHENANIGANS ARE PRETTY AWFUL AND IN “AMERICAN BEAUTY” HE WAS THE DAD WHO BLACKMAILED HIS BOSS, SMOKED WEED AND LECHED AFTER HIS DAUGHTER’S BEST FRIEND.  NICE GOING DAD!

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FATHER IF:

You’re the photographer of your daughter’s Playboy test shots.  And it’s worse if you used a hidden camera.

Your son complains the school library doesn’t subscribe to “High Times” magazine

The incentive for your kids to get good grades includes Jagermeister and a pony keg.

When enrolling your kid into pre-school you use the F-word more than twice.

You refer to your teen daughter’s slumber party as “New Talent Night.”

SMELLY FEET, A FLEDGLING CAREER AS A SHOE SALESMAN, INDIFFERENCE TO HIS KIDS AND WIFE AND PERSONAL SCRATCHING WERE JUST A FEW BAD DAD TRAITS WE SAW FROM “MARRIED WITH CHILDREN’S” AL BUNDY.

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FAHTER IF:

Your kids learn about the birds and the bees from Jenna Jameson pornos.

The T-shirt you wear at the school Parent-Teacher night says “Free Mustache Rides.”

You’ve ever bribed a Little League umpire.

You need the dog’s urine to pass a drug screen.

The family mini-van has a bumper sticker that says, “No Fat Chicks.”

BETWEEN THE HEAVY DRINKING, IGNORING HIS KIDS AND CONSTANTLY CHEATING ON THE WIFE, “MAD MEN” LOTHARIO DON DRAPER WAS NOT EXACTLY A GOOD DAD.

NEXT WEEK’S BLOG- Whatever happened to Bobbie Gentry?