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Father’s Day is this Sunday.  Like many of you I was blessed to have a great dad who I miss very much. He passed in August of 1993.  However, there might be a few pops out there who fall short of being a good parent.  With that, I bring you my checklist on what constitutes a dad who needs better judgement in being a role model and mentor for their kids.

You MIGHT be a lousy father if:

You and a pom pom girl from your kid’s high school are sexting each other.

Your 5 year old has real tattoos.

On ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day’ your little one has to act as a corner look-out.

You’ve ever been tased at a T-ball game.

At your daughter’s high school “Career Night” you complain there are no reps from the local strip club.

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FATHER IF:

Both you and your teenager wear home monitoring ankle bracelets. 

When taking the kids to the local pool you wear a banana hammock.

You hold cock fights in your toddler’s play-house.

When playing Pee Wee football your son fails a steroid test.

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FATHER IF:

You sleep with your son’s girlfriend before he does.

You sneak a six pack into the school Christmas pageant.

You pay for your son’s first ever lap dance.  And you’re REALLY a lousy father if the dancer is your daughter.

Your kid’s Science Fair project is a pot growing operation.

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FATHER IF:

You’re the photographer of your daughter’s Playboy test shots.  And it’s worse if you used a hidden camera.

Your son complains the school library doesn’t subscribe to “High Times” magazine

The incentive for your kids to get good grades includes Jagermeister and a pony keg.

When enrolling your kid into pre-school you use the F-word more than twice.

You refer to your teen daughter’s slumber party as “New Talent Night.”

YOU MIGHT BE A LOUSY FAHTER IF:

Your kids learn about the birds and the bees from Jenna Jameson pornos.

The T-shirt you wear at the school Parent-Teacher night says “Free Mustache Rides.”

You’ve ever bribed a Little League umpire.

You need the dog’s urine to pass a drug screen.

The family mini-van has a bumper sticker that says, “No Fat Chicks.”

NEXT WEEK’S BLOG- Whatever happened to Bobbie Gentry?

On Monday June 10^{th 2019}, my friend Bob (Bobbo) Ciciora turned 58,.same age as me.  Bobbo has been my great pal since we were both twelve years old and shared classes at Bryan Junior High.  Bobbo grew up with four brothers and two sisters while I had no brothers, just my dear sister Marianne.  However due to our longtime friendship and seeing each other through many highs and some lows over the past 46 years, I consider the two of us to be brothers from other mothers.  I know he does as well.

A couple months ago when wife Tammi asked what he wanted for his birthday, Bob said he wished he could get Sammy Llanas and his band to play a paid performance at their home. 

FYI- For over twenty years Sammy was one half of the creative force behind the Wisconsin based band The BoDeans.  Of the two mainstays of that group, Sammy Llanas’ voice and songs were always our favorites.  I can’t count how many times we traveled to Summerfest in Milwaukee to see the BoDeans rock out as well as catching them playing shows in Chicago.  When Sammy split off from partner Kurt Neumann he formed his own band and now plays concerts filled with songs he wrote for the BoDeans and solo work he’s recorded over the years.    

Just one wish. Have Sammy Llanas play at the house.  Well last night Bobbo got his wish!  Tammi, with help from another close friend of ours, Marko Vasko, made the necessary arrangements for Sammy and his 3 back-up players to come in and do a concert. Tammi may have paid the performance fee but Marko was the masterful coordinator of all logistics and even took care of the band’s drink and food needs.

While Tammi and two neighbors wined and dined Bobbo at a nearby restaurant, friends and family gathered at the Ciciora’s back yard noshing on snacks and a couple of taps of Polyanna craft beer.  Sammy and his band battled bad traffic to arrive and set up their gear as we patiently waited for the birthday boy to show up so the concert could start.

What a great party it was and a tremendous surprise for my buddy! He was thrilled and shocked as he saw what fun was about to unfold in front of him. Tammi even had laminated badges made for all guests to mark the special night.

I’ve seen Sammy Llanas play live as a BoDean more times than I could count.  However, this was the first time for me to catch him as a solo act with his band and the Waukesha native did not disappoint.  He opened the set with “That’s All”, my favorite song off the BoDeans debut album “Love and Hope and Sex and Dreams.”  FULL DISCLOSURE, “That’s All” came out in 1986 and it accurately reflects the mood and feelings of my ‘first time’ with a woman which occurred a few years earlier.

Sammy and his three bandmates covered most of his best work as a BoDean.  From “Still the Night”. “617”, “Heart of a Miracle”. “Black, White & Blood Red”, “Hey Pretty Girl” “Naked” and “True Devotion” to a fun mash-up of “Misery” and “Sylvia”, a song about a nasty pussycat who was ‘Spending all my money, driving my new car, scratching all my records & playing my guitar.” 

They also slid in a good helping of Sammy Llanas’ solo work of which I’m not as familiar with but really enjoyed too.  Guitarist Sean Williamson was an ace on the steel guitar for several cuts which included a couple of country flavored shuffles and the guests responded with the appropriate applause and appreciation for the newer works.

There was more BoDeans era music to hear including the late in the set stomp of “Fadeaway” and the track “Closer to Free” which many remember as the theme song from the TV series “Party of Five.”  Sammy also tagged in “She’s a Runaway” and while that song is over thirty years old, its tale of a mistreated woman reflects well in today’s world of “Me Too” and related domestic abuse issues.

The ninety minute plus set was a great one and seeing Bobbo and Tammi rock out to every song was a huge kick for me.  I remember the time the three of us saw Sammy and the BoDeans play The Vic Theater in 1993 when Tammi was several months pregnant with what would be her second baby, Aimee.  Aimee is now a full grown college graduate and corporate airplane pilot.  It should be noted that Bob and Tammi’s first child Alex and his wife Sarah are about a month away from making them grandparents.  Shit, where did the time go?   

After the show, getting to meet and talk a bit with Sammy and his band was a fun way to wrap up the party. They were more than accommodating for photos and some laughs. As I drove home at the end of the night I thought of how great music like Sammy’s provided a wonderful soundtrack to our lives together and Monday night’s private performance amplified that.

Add to all of what went down in Bobbo’s backyard, this was the last party to be held at the Ciciora house as they are just days away from moving to Bend, Oregon.  Plenty of fun, laughs and a few tears have been shed over years at that locale and I’ll always look back on those times with fondness and nostalgia. Since Bob flies for American Airlines and he has much family back here, we’ll still see each other and of course stay close despite the miles between us. 

So until we see each other again Bobbo, safe travels and God Bless.  And Tammi, thanks for landing Sammy for that last blast and a night to remember!

ON A BLOG LATER THIS WEEK: You Might Be a Lousy Father if…

For those like me who are into trivial matters such as dates and events in music, this first week in June is a big one, always has been and always will be.  Let me explain.

Let’s start off with the old Neil Diamond song “Desiree.” It opens with the lyrics “It was the third of June on that summer’s day when I became a man at the hands of a girl almost twice my age.”  Yeah Neil’s tune tells us about a rookie who got some nookie that day. I love the line, “And it wasn’t so much her words as such, as the way they were sung.”  That Desiree was a love machine folks!  

And he goes on, “Then came the fourth of June on that sleepless night when I tossed and I turned while the thought of her burned up and down my mind.” 

When I was in my teens and beyond I was attracted to older women and “Desiree” had something to do with that.  Also you need to factor in the influence of films I saw like “The Graduate” and “Summer of 42.”   Neil’s song’s story was a one and done/hit it and quit it deal and there are plenty of other great one night stand songs that I’ll have to list out another day.

But we’re not done with the “Third of June.”  June third is my favorite day in music because of Bobbie Gentry’s classic “Ode to Billy Joe.” It is on that fateful day when we learn Billy Joe McCallister jumped to his death off the Tallahatchie Bridge.   I have former radio co-workers who appreciate this song like I do; so much so that on the night of June 2^nd I stay up until the clock strikes midnight and June third hits. Then I quickly post on their Facebook pages lyrics along with a photo of the infamous bridge in that song.      

With that opening line “It was the third of June another sleepy dusty Delta day” we learn what went down that day.  The song’s narrator goes on to share supper with her family and in between bites of food is told how Billy Joe McCallister took his own life.

“Ode to Billy Joe” was a monster radio hit on both the country and pop music charts and then inspired a movie by the same name. Still, unanswered questions remain.  Why did Billy Joe off himself this way?  Was it due to the shame of a homosexual relationship with a grown man?  Did Billy Joe impregnate the song’s narrator who then got an abortion?  And what was that young couple throwing off the bridge? Could it have been a keepsake from a gay affair?  Or maybe it was a dead fetus? 

Nobody knows for sure and the beautiful part of this mystery is Bobbie Gentry has never revealed definitive answers to these and other questions about that song.  The most Ms. Gentry has ever said about “Ode To Billy Joe” is that she wrote it to illustrate the issue of “Unconscious cruelty & indifference” to such tragedies.  During the song, Billy Joe’s death is talked about at dinner but that’s in between lines like “Pass the biscuits please” and how Brother Taylor would like to come over for dinner on Sunday.

I once read that this song is “Not heard but felt.”  True enough!

There is a lot more to cover about Bobbie Gentry herself and I will do just that in a couple of weeks.  In the meantime, click below and enjoy this southern tale of tragedy in the Mississippi Delta.

SONG LINK 

3 DAYS LATER-

June 6^th is another big day this week.  First off, it was on June 6^th 1940 when my radio mentor, former boss and longtime friend Larry Lujack was born.  Sadly,  Lar passed away in December of 2013 but he’s never forgotten by me and millions of radio fans who listened to him for years. If I ever finish my radio memoir “Raised on the Radio” I’ll share plenty more on Ole Uncle Lar and what he meant to me.

We’re not through with June 6th. Let’s see if these lyrics ring a bell for you.  “Was the dark of the moon on the sixth of June in a Kenworth pullin’ logs, cab-over Pete with a reefer on and a Jimmy haulin’ hogs.”  Yes, we’re talking about the fun 1975 novelty pop/country hit song “Convoy” by C.W. McCall.  That song went part and parcel with the CB radio craze at the time and even inspired a bad action movie by the same name. Thanks to some rogue truckers who didn’t want to pay any more highway tolls, we learned that ‘Bears’ were state troopers and caught up with plenty of other CB jargon.

I remember hearing “Convoy” playing on WLS AM at least once an hour and as goofy as it sounds, we couldn’t get enough of the story of truckers nearing tollbooths who “Crashed the gate doing ninety eight. So let them truckers roll 10-4.” 

One last memory of “Convoy”– My old friend Willie C and I shared twisted humor and one night in the summer of ‘81 we put that humor to work at a college buddy’s party.  The house was packed butts to guts both inside & out and a stereo was blasting rock from The Who, Stones, Journey and REO Speedwagon.  That was until Willie and I perused this guy’s record collection, spotted the C.W. McCall album and played impromptu DJs.  Next thing the whole crowd of beer guzzling, quarters playing kids heard was that hokey four minute song about Pig Pen, Rubber Duck and the truckers who didn’t want to pay no tolls.  When that tune finished there was lots of moaning from the party guests and Willie and I slinked out of the party laughing our asses off.

NEXT WEEK’S BLOG-  You Might Be A Lousy Father If:

Most of us baby boomers and those younger remember the famous kid’s game “Operation.”  I’m not sure you’d call it a ‘board game’ per se, but there was a platform or small frame set-up and of course the wired in tweezers used to pluck body parts out of the male patient.

The body parts were little plastic pieces such as a ‘wrenched ankle’, ‘funny bone’, ‘broken heart’, and don’t forget the ‘spare ribs’ to name a few.  The object was to use those wired tweezers to excise those body parts without bumping against the metal sides and hearing the buzz sound.  The patient being operated on would also light up his red nose on these metal hits.

So as we get older and older (hey, It beats the alternative) I was thinking that Hasbro, the folks who make this game, should come up with a new version of ‘Operation’ that is aimed at those in middle to old age. This new edition would exchange the ‘butterfly in stomach’, ‘wish bone’ and other body parts with maladies we of an aging generation face.

Some of the parts to be removed on the “Advanced Age Operation” game could be as follows:

Cataracts, gall bladder, appendix, there could be a heart bypass or you could be directed to install a stent or pacemaker for an ailing ticker.

The new Operation game could also feature mole removal, gastric bypass for the severely obese and switch out leg hinges with knee replacements.

Actually there could be two versions of the game based on gender.

The male patient could have a prostate removal piece, maybe even a penile implant spot and let’s not leave out a hair transplant. 

The female patient could undergo a boob job or removal of the uterus due to having a hysterectomy.  

I’m just spit-balling here but there are ways to add fun and update a classic old game like “Operation.”

WHILE WE’RE AT IT–

There are other old school board games that could be updated to modern times as well.  I’m guessing the girls’ board game ‘Mystery Date’ could include possible same sex hook-ups or some more metro-sexual male suitors. Since women can serve in the military game Stratego could include some female game pieces. The crime detecting game ‘Clue’ could have a portion that includes DNA evidence.   

I’m sure there are other old school board games that could be updated to fit into modern times. However changes come along slowly and there’s no need to take on more than I’ve already suggested.  Hasbro and any other game makers out there, the ball is now in your court.

WEIRD BUT TRUE-

Here’s a newer game that related to the gross-out Reality TV show “Dr. Pimple Popper” (and this one is real folks) It’s the “Pimple Pete” game. 

Dr. Pimple Popper’s Pimple Popping Game is Disgustingly Satisfying

NEXT WEEK’S BLOG : Some great dates in music history.

Being born in 1961 and having a rock music loving sister four years my senior, I grew up listening and loving the holy trinity of ‘British Invasion’ music; The Beatles, Rolling Stones and The Who.  By age fourteen, The Who was easily my favorite of the three.  I even solo sang “Pinball Wizard” at an eighth grade chorus’ concert.  Add to this, in the summer of 1975, I saw the rock opera movie “Tommy” three times.

My close high school friends were Who nuts too.  Albums like “Tommy”, “Who’s Next” and “Quadrophenia” were constantly on our turntables.  My senior year in high school started off great as we enjoyed the just released “Who Are You” album. However, three weeks later the world of Who fans crashed with the accidental drug overdose death of drummer Keith Moon at the age of thirty two.  Despite Moon the Loon’s passing, Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey and John Entwistle planned to soldier on and tour with former Small Faces drummer Kenny Jones.

Fast forward to the fall of 1979 when I was a freshman in college and The Who announced a U.S. concert tour.  For the Chicago date there was no camping out all night for tickets as fans had to send in money orders and hope to be one of those who scored seats.  Those not selected in the lottery got their money orders sent back.  My friend Frank Bombino and I sent in for a pair of tickets and landed seats on the lower level of the Amphitheatre, about twelve rows to the side of the stage.  I was pumped.  Earlier that summer, I saw “The Kids Are Alright” movie which showed lots of Who concert footage dating from the early 60’s into 1978 but now I was going to see the band live.  I could not wait for Saturday December 8^th!!!

Besides the mail-in lottery for tickets, this Chicago Who concert had an extra twist.  After the show easily sold out, plans were put in place for a closed circuit simulcast of the whole show in selected movie theatres in Chicago and the outlying suburbs.  At this time, the only events put on closed circuit like this were heavyweight boxing matches, Evel Knievel’s Snake River Canyon jump and in the early 70’s some Chicago Blackhawk play-off games.  My dad took me to a few of those hockey game closed circuit casts.  This was pretty much ‘pay per view’ before pay per view became a home TV operation.  Once The Who’s concert-cast from the Amphitheatre was over, those who went to theatres were also shown the movie “Tommy.”  Several of my friends got tickets for the theatres so they could catch The Who live, albeit on a big screen.

Five days before the Chicago concert, the tragedy in Cincinnati’s Riverfront Coliseum made national news. Eleven fans died and twenty eight others were injured in what amounted to a stampede of people rushing to get into the arena. Cincinnati’s show featured festival seating or a ‘first come, first serve’ situation and when not enough doors were opened to accommodate the crowd, tragic consequences took place.  Concern for the same thing happening in Chicago was alleviated by the fact that every one of the twelve thousand or so seats was reserved.  Still, on the night of the show officials made sure every possible gate and door for entry was opened to prevent any crowd problems. 

That night Frank and I took our seats in the mezzanine level which had a perfect side view of the stage maybe forty feet from the band.  We could also see part of the backstage area where a large video screen was set up to show folks hanging there what was being broadcast to the movie theatres.  This was a major event and years later I read it was one of Who manager  Bill Curbishly’s proudest moments.  A chance to play one show but get it out to more than just the twelve thousand fans in the arena was a major happening. WLUP FM 97.9, “The Loop” was the rock station presenting this show and well known air personality Mitch Michaels was the emcee for the night. By the way Mitch’s auto biography “Doin the Cruise”                      shares cool inside details on how this simulcast was pitched to the band and promoted by The Loop.

There was no opening act (no need for these guys) and as the house lights went dark thousands of fans screamed “Whoo!” Whooo””   From our vantage point, Frank and I could see the foursome make their way to the stage stairs before most others did and they got in position to kick the night off.  Roger Daltrey stood in his spot at center stage, leaned his torso back and waited for Pete Townshend to open with the chords to “Substitute” and the concert was up and running.  Daltrey swung his microphone cord hard and fast as they segued into “Can’t Explain” and as that song ended he introduced the next one by yelling “Out here in the fields!” With that they launched into an angry stomp of “Baba O’Riley.”  Name me any band that can match those three songs to start a show.  And good luck with that.

For the first time on a tour, The Who featured a keyboard player, John ‘Rabbit’ Bundrick and playing on “Baba” was when we first heard and saw him. Townshend started up his trademark windmill swipes at his Fender telecaster and the place went bananas.  Entwistle’s bass thundered and Kenny Jones slammed away at his drums.  A couple of songs later Pete introduced a three piece brass section (saxophone, trombone and trumpet) which enabled the group to play songs from “Quadrophenia” like “5:15” along with an intense version of “Music Must Change” from “Who Are You.”  We also heard classics like “Behind Blue Eyes”,  “My Generation”, “I Can See for Miles” and “Long Live Rock.”  Bassist John “The Ox” Entwistle announced instead of playing his song “Boris the Spider” they were going to do “My Wife” which thanks to an extended jam, was a huge hit with the fans.  

During short breaks between songs, Who members took time to say hi to the fans watching the show in the movie theatres.  Daltrey, Townsend and Entwistle would give a shout out to a couple of locales each but they did a good job of focusing on the crowd in the Amphitheatre while camera operators kept positioning themselves to get the best shots of the band in action.  At one point I saw Cheap Trick’s Rick Nielsen standing behind a stack of amps and handing Townshend guitars between songs.  Pete did a little in between song clowning acting as if the closed circuit was broadcast to the world and saying hi to family and friends back in England, including an uncle who was “having his balls operated on.”  

“Won’t get Fooled Again” closed the band’s set which included a large flashpot stage explosion as Daltrey belted out his last scream of that classic. “Won’t Get Fooled Again” live is one of those chaotic blow-outs with all players going full bore crazy.  The foursome came out for an extended encore with highlights being the brass backed “The Real Me” and a cover of Martha and the Vandellas “Dancing in the Street”.  Then Townshend led a medley of snippets that included “Dance it Away”, “Young Man Blues”, “I’m a Man” and a yet to be released “How Can You Do It Alone.”  The Who rocked out a total of twenty eight songs and as the four members stood together at the front of the stage for a final bow, Roger Daltrey announced, “We had a great time tonight, we REALLY did!”  I’m sure he often says this to but the guys sure looked like they were having a blast doing this show.  I’ve seen The Who many times since but this virgin experience remains my favorite. 

The good news is because of the simulcast into movie theatres, tech workers were smart enough to tap into that video feed and record the entire concert. The photos from this blog are still shots from that simulcast.  The 12-8-79 show is one of the easiest to find video ‘bootlegs’ and most of the concert can be watched on You Tube.  Fans of The Who will love seeing the band looking so young and vibrant as they played these classic songs with such passion.  And while it’s great to watch on video, for lucky fans like me, there was nothing like seeing it in person.  Long live rock!  

NEXT WEEK’S BLOG- New ideas for an old game.

Once a year my favorite weekly show CBS Sunday Morning does their “Food Issue.”  It’s 90 minutes dedicated to all facets of eating such as unusual meals, off beat restaurants and anything else tied to the culinary arts.  I don’t have 90 minutes worth of food items to offer but here are just a few comments regarding the fine art of eating.

HAPPY HOUR–

With the warm weather here, there are only 3 different alcoholic drinks on my wish list come cocktail time.  All I require is a bottle of either Rolling Rock or Shiner Bock beer.  And if I want a mixed drink, vodka and lemonade will do nicely.  Which brand of vodka do I want?  It doesn’t matter to me. Despite having a pretty sharp palate I cannot distinguish between Grey Goose, Tito’s, Absolut, Ketel One, Smirnoff or any of the other popular brands.  (However, with colas, I can easily pick out the differences between Coke, Pepsi and Royal Crown)

FOR THE HEALTH OF IT

Everyone loves Portillo’s hot dogs, burgers and Italian beef but as much as I enjoy those offerings, I’m also a major fan of their chopped salad.  About twelve years ago my mother got me to try that dish, inviting me to sample some of her portion.  It’s a basic mix of fine ground lettuce, tomatoes, onions, pasta, chicken, bacon and spices.  I honestly think I could live on that meal.  A full serving with dressing included is only 800 calories and it takes me two meals to finish the chopped salad.  Before Jared Fogle got busted for being a lecherous child sexual predator he became famous for losing lots weight by eating meals at Subway.  Maybe Portillo’s can hook me up with daily servings of their chopped salad so I can knock off tons of pounds, then I can do ads for them.  And I promise there will be no sex scandals coming from me!

WE HAVE A WINNING WIENER!

On the subject of hotdogs, everyone has their personal favorites and you can find dozens of ‘Best Chicago Hot dogs’ lists online.  I’ve eaten at many of the standard ‘bests’ like Superdawg, Gene & Jude’s, Johnny’s, Wolfy’s and Byron’s.  Still, above all of them, including Portillo’s, my all time ‘go to’ place for hot dogs is the Wiener Circle on North Clark Street in Chicago.  There’s often lots of folks buzz about how rude yet funny the serving staff there can be to their customers. Still, the only fat I want to chew at Wiener’s Circle is their char cheddar hot dogs.  For over 30 years this place has been number one for me and I don’t see that ever changing.

GETTING SALTY

While I don’t want to get into a ‘greatest pizza debate’ right now, there is one habit I fell out of that merits a return try.  Growing up and dining on pizza, I used to shake salt lightly over the top of my portion of the pie. Salt on pizza works especially well when the sauce is extra sweet.  Aurelio’s is an aces place to find that sweet tomato sauce.  On a side note, when it comes to Italian food, I will never, ever refer to any sauce as ‘gravy.’  I think that’s an old school thing from the old country but I’m not from the old country. 

WHO’S HUNGRY?

When it comes to various chain restaurants, I cannot understand why nobody has paid for the use of the old Paul Revere and the Raiders pop song “Hungry.”  The chorus to that peppy romp easily fits into the food and fun theme that many chain restaurants claim to have happening at their establishments. 

Just check out this chorus-

“Because I’m hungry for those good things baby, I’m hungry through and through, I’m hungry for that sweet life baby with a real fine girl like you! I can almost taste it…”  Come on, you use that part of the song with a montage of people eating, talking and laughing in so and so eatery and you’ll have hungry eaters busting down the doors!   

SWEET TALK-

Once you’ve eaten double stuff Oreos, you will NEVER go back to regular Oreo cookies again.  You’re spoiled to the gooey richness of the double cream filling.  It’s kind of like having high speed cable internet and then knowing you’ll never revert to dial up service again. And who does Nabisco think they’re fooling with the offering of Oreo Thins?  Please, if you’re gonna eat an Oreo, eat a REAL Oreo. Double stuff for me.

Last year I cautioned people about how addicting caramel filled M&Ms peanut candy is.  This year the new caramel filled Dove Promises candy is the one to be wary of.  I can sum these bite sized treats up in two words: Chewy Heroin.

ONE LAST DISH-

I’m a full grown semi-mature man.  So why is it any time I eat cereal, oatmeal, soup or chili I only use a tea spoon?  I have never used a tablespoon to eat and don’t ever plan to.  Is that just me or what?

O.K., the bar, the kitchen and the restaurant are now closed. And don’t forget to tip your servers.

NEXT WEEK’S BLOG- Remembering my ever first Who concert.

Mother’s Day is this Sunday.  Like most of you I was blessed to have a truly wonderful mom.  However, there might be a few mothers out there who fall short of being a good parent to their offspring.  With that, I bring you my short checklist on what constitutes a mom who lacks in proper parenting skills. In other words,You MIGHT be a lousy mother if:

Your son’s arrest on “Cops” proudly makes the family Christmas letter.

Your kids think Cherry Coke & Lemonheads are fruit servings.

 A criminal background check prevents you from being a school field trip chaperone.

At your 10 year old’s birthday party you referee a game of Beer Pong.

You flash your breasts at a Wiggles concert.

The first pendant on your daughter’s charm bracelet is a marijuana leaf.

 The person your kid admires most essay is about Kim Kardashian.

Your daughter is regularly featured on “Girls Gone Wild” videos.

The regular tip for the pizza delivery guy is your son’s Ritalin pills.

At a PTA meeting you make a motion to have an open bar.

You hand out condoms to Trick or Treaters.

As a Cub Scout den mother your craft project is turning an empty soda can into a bong.

 Your teenagers haven’t seen a dentist since their baby teeth fell out.

At the high school talent show your daughter’s act involves a brass pole.

You smuggle weed through airport security in your baby’s diaper.

 Your puppy is housebroken before your 10 year old is.

It takes the Maury Povich Show to determine the paternity of your children.

The entertainment at your daughter’s Sweet 16 party is a retired porn star.

 Your contribution to a church bake sale is hash brownies.

You need your baby’s urine to pass a drug screen.

You help complete your daughter’s prom outfit with crotchless panties.

 Your after soccer game team snack is a case of Red Bull and a pack of Marlboro Lights.

 You lend your kid a vibrator to take to ‘Show and Tell.”

The contribution you make to a school silent auction is a free bikini waxing.

Your son’s Spring Break trip is to the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.

The best benefit of your kid getting his driver’s license is you now have a ‘Designated Driver.’S

So no matter if you’re a lousy mom or not, I want to wish all the mamas a happy Mother’s Day and many more to come!

NEXT WEEK: The Food Issue.

Jerry Seinfeld turns 65 this week and I thought it a good time to share some of my personal experiences with the famed comedian. This excerpt is from my coming media memoir “Raised on the Radio”.  The time was 1987 and I was producing the Larry Lujack afternoon show at AM 890 WLS.  Larry liked comics who were clever and insightful and was happy to welcome Seinfeld to his show.    

Book Excerpt-

Jerry Seinfeld was and still is one of my very favorite comedians. We had him in the studio and while at the time being known for his successful stand-up visits to “The Tonight Show” and “Late Night with David Letterman”, this was before his sitcom happened and became one of the most successful shows in network TV history. For the record, I was an early fan of “The Seinfeld Chronicles” which debuted in 1989 then became “Seinfeld.”

Here’s an understatement: Comedians are a quirky bunch. Insecure, sometimes extra loud then quiet, often guarded, you name it.  Many are messed up head cases that blow out their angst on the comedy stage. In all my years in radio the two most normal acting comics I met were Jerry Seinfeld and Jeff Foxworthy. Nobody else even came close.

 While some jokesters hold back, trying to save funny material for their concerts, Seinfeld was all up for sharing his wit freely on the air. He wondered why there were referees in pro wrestling when these brutes can hit each other with chairs and such.  “O.K., says the ref, you can bring that tank in the ring but watch it.”  Seinfeld also yakked about going scuba diving where your only goal is to not die.  For some reason Jerry was equipped with an underwater wallet “In case you run into a sea turtle that can break a fifty dollar bill.”  When I recorded Seinfeld’s post-show promo, he accidentally-on purpose referred to Larry Lujack as “Larry Lube Job” then corrected himself saying Larry was the “afternoon grease” on WLS.     

What impressed me about Jerry Seinfeld was his self awareness. This guy was so locked in on what he was doing.  He has often been called a sharply tuned wordsmith and it’s true. Everything in his stand-up act is precise, no mistakes.  I always pegged the guy for large scale greatness and Seinfeld’s long career proved my initial assessment correct.

After moving on from WLS, I also booked Seinfeld on other radio shows I produced and he was always a money-in-the-bank guest.  For each guest shot Jerry did, he’d have fresh new observations and comments, all of them comedy gold works. I also saw him perform his full stand-up comedy concert act several times and again each show was a great night of laughs.

Getting back to the “Seinfeld” sitcom, some of you may have heard about earlier this year when millennials were whining about how wrong on un-PC some of that show’s plots were.  They cited things like the mocking of a pig nosed mental patient or when George Costanza was busted for staring at the cleavage of a network TV executive’s teenage daughter.  There was even fretting about calling the snippy soup chef ‘The Soup Nazi.’  Really? Are we that fragile now?

I have two answers for the overly sensitive young-ins.

Answer number 1. On almost every Seinfeld episode, when Jerry or any of his pals committed a touchy misdeed, they almost always suffered a consequence.  When George Costanza parked his dad’s car in a handicapped parking space, an angry mob trashed the car to bits. When George got busted for boob peeping he and Jerry lost their sitcom bid with NBC. Even on the series ending episode when the Seinfeld crew laughed at a fat man being mugged, they ended up getting jailed for not helping the guy out. So for every un-PC action the show’s characters did, there was an equal and justified reaction.

Answer number 2 to these delicate wispy millennials can be summed up in three words: GROW A PAIR!

These days Seinfeld still does the stand-up comedy concerts (I don’t ever see him retiring from that) and his “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” continues to be an entertaining and insightful ride with fellow comics.  I really enjoy seeing when a fellow jokester makes Jerry laugh heartily, just to see what kind of lines get him rolling. 

So happy birthday to the ultimate wordsmith Jerry Seinfeld and here’s to more years of quirky yet on target observations from you and laughs for us.

NEXT WEEK- You Might Be A Lousy Mother If:____________.

It’s Secretary’s Week or as it is now called “Administrative Professional’s Day.”  Are we really that much in need of the new moniker?  For 20 years I worked in radio and now in education. In both careers I witnessed firsthand the multi-faceted load secretaries carry to keep an office operation humming along at peak efficiency.    It’s a tough job that is too often overlooked and under-appreciated.  So in tribute to all the women and men who answer phones, take messages, sign for deliveries, order supplies and keep businesses afloat by covering all the details and issues nobody else seems to be able to, I offer a rundown of my favorite actresses and actors playing fictional secretaries from the movies and television.

“9 to 5” is the iconic office movie and Dolly Parton’s role was both funny and poignant in her handling the creepy advances of her boss played by Dabney Coleman.  I especially liked how she threatened to use her gun and turn him from a rooster to a hen with one shot.

Smarts, tolerance and smoldering sexuality were part and parcel with the late Lois Maxwell as she portrayed M’s secretary Miss Moneypenny in numerous James Bond movies.  While Moneypenny and 007 were never seen doing the hibbity dibbity, their flirtatious relationship was a fun one to witness.  

In real life I’ve seen how many different tasks school secretaries have to handle every weekday. However in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Edie Mc Clurg’s semi-ditzy character of Grace was singularly focused on keeping Principal Ed Rooney on track. And she had a smart place to stash her extra pencils.

One of the more endearing secretaries from 70’s TV was Carol Kessler on The Bob Newhart Show.  Marcia Wallace played the role with wit, friendly sass and a show of real life honesty that everyday women could identify with. Carol Kessler wasn’t a ball buster but still took no guff from Bob or the other doctors on the floor of their medical building.  When secretary Kessler got married I thought it was sweet how her adoring husband called her “Big Red.”

Here’s one for the Female Empowerment, on WKRP in Cincinnati the highest paid employee was not any of the disc-jockeys, sales executives or even station owner Arthur ‘Big Guy’ Carlson.  No, it was station secretary, Jennifer Marlowe played by blonde bombshell Loni Anderson.  Like most good secretaries Jennifer had all the answers before there were any questions and deftly warded off any untoward advances with timely humor and smarts.

The late Nancy Culp played Jane Hathaway who endured the misery of having Milburn Drysdale as her boss on The Beverly Hillbillies.  Her unusual voice and common sense approach to the job made Miss Hathaway a rarity on a show with happily clueless characters.  It often appeared she wanted to jump Jethro Bodine’s bones but that love connection never happened.

Carol Burnett’s role as Mrs. Wiggins on her variety show may have been a one dimensional dimwit in a tight pencil skirt but she and Mr. Tudball played by Tim Conway cracked me up every time they did a sketch.

Secretaries don’t have to be women. The Simpsons show us this as loyal Waylon Smithers continues to serve the every whim and wish of Springfield Nuclear plant owner Montgomery Burns.  The gay Smithers voiced by Harry Shearer, would like nothing more than to be Mr. Burns’ lover but I don’t think Burns feels the same way.

In the mid 90’s The Larry Sanders Show brought us gay Brian (played by Scott Thompson). Brian served as secretary and personal assistant to Hank Kingsley and proved to be an able replacement for Hank’s previous admin helper, the sexy dimwit Darlene, played by Linda Doucett.

Mad Men’s Secretarial Pool.

I saved my favorite secretaries for last.  “Mad Men” brought us Peggy Olsen (played by Elizabeth Moss) who worked her way from mousy secretary to copy writer to major power playing account executive.  Peggy was a glass ceiling buster of the best kind showing loyalty to the company without losing focus on her own career.

There was also elderly Miss Blankenship (played by Randee Heller) who was brought out of retirement’s mothballs to be Don Draper’s temporary secretary.  Years before, Miss Blankenship was boss Bert Cooper’s paramour and in the end she gave her life for the Sterling, Cooper, Draper Pryce Ad Agency.

And we wrap things up with my very favorite secretary,  the lovely Joan Holloway played by buxom redhead Christina Hendricks.  Joan was the queen bee secretary and office manager at Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce. She used smarts and sexuality to gradually advance her career. From an on and off again romance with Roger Sterling to sleeping with a Jaguar dealership executive to earn part ownership of the ad agency, Joan knew the balance between giving in to lusting men’s whims and helping herself to what she could get. She was always more in tune with what was happening than anyone else in the room and knew just when and where to use that knowledge.  The show’s leading lothario Don Draper never danced the dirty hula with Joan but had they done so, it would have merited a week’s worth of gossip around the water cooler.

So to all the secretaries, administrative assistants/professionals out there, thank you for all the hard work you put in and have a great week! 

NEXT WEEK- Honoring the birthday of an American wordsmith.

Putting aside last weekend’s weird snowstorm, the warmer weather is coming to our part of the country.  So with the higher temperatures and longer sunny days come changes in how we dress.  However, there are issues I have regarding the way men and women change their apparel come the spring and summer.  To put it bluntly, I have my own set rules. Without rules there is chaos so here are my directives for the warm months ahead.

Don’t Paint It Black-

My first rule is actually a year round guideline for women.  Ladies, it is time to ditch the black polish for your fingernail and toenails for good. That color used to be a thing exclusively for those into the Goth look. However now everywhere I go and even on TV I see the fairer sex proudly sporting the black colored nails.  In my world the only people allowed to sport black nail polish are Lily Munster, Morticia Addams, Elvira Mistress of the Dark, Alice Cooper and Marilyn Manson. For everyone else I can accept any other color on the palette spectrum, just not black.  Those black nails have a lazy and dirty look to them.  It’s just not right.   And if anyone woman needs more convincing to lose the black paint, do you know who else has black nails?  Dogs, bears and squirrels.  Nuff said.

Put some socks on it-

Here’s a warm weather rule for the men.  Wearing loafers or dress shoes without socks is the absolute height of douche-baggery! (Save for so called ‘Man-buns)  All you’re doing is telling the world, “I have 160 dollars to blow on shoes that I can mess up with my hot smelly bare feet.”  Keep in mind women are exempt from this directive because they always walk around sockless in their many pairs of shoes; so they’re grandfathered or grandmothered in.

Put a Cap on it–

Another message for my fellow men; The day you turn 25 is also the day you have to stop wearing your baseball cap backwards.  You’re no longer some teen little leaguer, paperboy or college fraternity brother. You’re a real adult so keep your baseball cap perched on your coconut the proper way, with the bill of the cap in the front.  Sometimes I see guys with the backward caps and their sunglasses perched on top of their head as they squint into the sun!  Wake up men and wear your cap the correct way. Women are exempt from this cap rule because they look cute no matter how they wear their hats.

Stylish but Clueless Wannabes– 

Often online or in magazines I see photos of famous men and women wearing vintage rock T-shirts of bands and singers who were at their peak of popularity years before these stars were born. Even locally I’ll see some twenty something man or woman walking around in a 1970’s era Aerosmith or Eagles T-shirt. It makes me wonder, what the hell do they know about bands who were happening decades before they were born?  I’m betting they’re wearing that Doors or Led Zeppelin T-shirt because they know it’s the hip and trendy thing to so.  My rule is if you want to buy a vintage rock t-shirt, you must first be able to name at least 5 songs from that group or artist’s music catalog.  And if someone on the street asks you to name those songs and you can’t? Then that shirt gets pulled from your torso and is given to someone more deserving of such vintage wear.

In the news-

With the warmer weather here I’m seeing female TV news anchors (local and national) breaking out their sleeveless tops and dresses. Call me an ‘Old School’ fool but the summery tops these news readers wear just don’t look professional.  The men on camera are always wearing suits and ties or at least shirts and ties.  However, the ladies are allowed to deliver the latest headlines dressed like they’re at the beach or sipping cocktails at a trendy rooftop bar in Manhattan. To be clear, I’m not saying these women should be covered up in ugly polyester blazers with a network logo patch sewn on it. Still if I were a TV news boss I would ban the spaghetti strap and sleeveless tops and dresses for on camera news delivery. We get it girls, you’ve been toning up your guns and shoulders with Sven, your personal trainer at L.A. fitness. Nevertheless, save showing off those toned limbs for your weekend pool parties and summer barbecues.  And as much as I enjoy her work on CNN, Brooke Baldwin, this means you too!

Cover Up Your Buttercup-

Because they dress appropriately this final rule doesn’t apply to the fine women who frequent my local pool (East End) in Elmhurst. However it does apply to ladies at city beaches and ESPECIALLY celebrities.  Please lose the barely there butt floss bikini bottoms. I’m no prude yet it’s still more enticing to conceal than reveal.  Ninety-nine percent of the world does not want to see ninety-nine percent of your ass.  First off, the ‘Sun’s out buns out’ thongs look super uncomfortable. Second, once you’ve seen one set of cheeks you’re pretty much seen em all.  And third, sporting those thongs is a sign of desperation.  You’re trying too hard, so for the love of my rules, please do a better job of covering up the fleshy guard rails to your turd cutters.    

If everyone understood and followed these simple rules, we could all enjoy the warm weather months without me gritting my teeth, shaking my head and mumbling complaints under my breath.  Ithankyouforyourtime.

NEXT WEEK- CELEBRATING SECRETARIES.