THOSE AREN’T BELLS FOLKS
I’m a TV news junkie and there’s a phrase often used during newscasts that continues to drive me nuts. It’s said when a shooting occurs somewhere and the on-site reporter or news anchor will say, “Shots rang out.” Shots do not ring out. Shots or better put, ‘gunshots’ are not bells. I’ve shot guns before, and they don’t ring. Not to get over dramatic but a better phrase to say would be “Shots were fired.” That is a more accurate depiction of what goes on when shootings happen. Of course here in the Chicago metro area, shots are fired way too often. I don’t want to get into that issue right now, let’s just use better nomenclature to describe the firings of guns.
NEVER SAID, NEVER MIND
On the subject of conversations, when you watch movies or TV shows there’s a line used that is totally out of bounds. I don’t know if anyone in real life EVER said it. It happens when one TV or movie character has to turn down an invitation to do something or go somewhere, they will say to the person inviting them, “Can you give me a “rain check?” Now the term “rain check” comes from what was written on major league baseball tickets in case a ballgame was rained out. I don’t even know if that phrase is still on ticket stubs anymore but more important, I have never, ever in my life heard anyone say, “I can’t make that party, can you give me a rain check?” Art often imitates life and vice versa but “rain check” is a term that belongs in neither place. It reminds me of how comedian George Carlin mocked the term “Mary Jane” which was believed to be slang for marijuana. As Carlin stated, “It’s in all the books, Mary Janes, marijuana,.nobody ever said it!”
I CAN’T SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL
When using public restrooms has anyone else but me noticed the absence of writing on the walls or the sides of toilet stalls? It’s almost non-existent now and has been for the past few years. Not that I enjoyed reading all the obscene poems or crude drawings of penises on crapper walls or phrases like “The joke is in your hand” scribbled above urinals but it seems graffiti like that has gone the way of 8 track tapes. My guess is social media and the ability to post your weird thoughts online (often anonymously) has done away with bathroom comments and art.
Lately when watching new movies I’m seeing a trend of showing teenagers bedrooms dressed up with strings of lights and all sorts of extra flair. I’ve caught it in films like “Love, Simon”, “8th Grade”, “Blockers” and “Midnight Sun” to name a few. It’s usually the girls’ bedroom that’s glammed with lights and trinkets and since I have no business being in or near teenager’s bedrooms I’ll guess this is the way it is with kids in real life. Maybe? Heck, when I was in high school my bedroom walls were adorned with an action poster of hockey star Phil Esposito, a stage level shot of The Who in concert and a promo poster for Animal House. And I will confess to a “dig me” wall that had a dozen framed photos of me playing baseball and carrying on in school.
EVER GET A HOT FOOT LIKE THIS?
In the first week of the New Year I suffered a severe burn and did it in the most unusual way. In my morning routine I was carrying a bowl of freshly cooked oat meal to my room. The bowl was on a small plate and as I moved too quickly, the bowl slid off the plate, fell to the floor and splattered on my bare feet. Most of the piping hot oats landed on top of my right foot. It burned hard and I quickly flicked the steaming chunks off and winced in pain. At the time I was so busy cleaning the mess off my floor I didn’t notice how much my right dog ached. Even a cold shower a few minutes later wouldn’t ease the pain and by the end of the day I had four strips of scabbing on the top of my right foot. I was careful when putting on my sock and shoe on that foot and yet those scabs opened up a couple of times, ouch! Two weeks later I now have scars where the injury took place and a weird story to share about what happened.
Speaking of feet, most of you know of my phobia of bare feet, especially toes. Well in about a month there’s a new reality TV show coming to A&E. It follows the work of a podiatrist who helps patients with wonky toes and feet. The doctor is African American and his show is called “The Toe Bro.” Just like my oatmeal on foot story, I am NOT making this up.
I GOT A NAME
Recently while watching “The Hunt for Red October” on cable for about the 20th time, I smiled at a phrase I thought would make a good name for a band. It’s in the scene when Sean Connery’s submarine captain character Marco Ramius directs a crew member to “Re-verify our range to target, one ping only.” The crew member played by Sam Neill questions this directive and Connery again says he wants “One ping only.” So I was going to suggest “One Ping Only” as a band name. It’s offbeat and clever to those familiar with the “Red October” movie. So I Googled that phrase online and there’s ALREADY a band called One Ping Only. They’re a Chicago based group who claim to be “Purveyors of Dive Bar Rock.” For more information on One Ping Only, check out their website and songs at
The One Ping Only band beat me to that cool moniker. I’ll keep watching movies in search of other potential names for groups of aspiring musicians. In fact the other night while watching “Jaws” on cable I came up with another band name that has a nautical tie-in to it. How about “Ben Gardner’s Boat”?
COMING NEXT WEEK: REMEMBERING THE BEST BAR BAND I EVER SAW.